Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Freaky Deacon and the Yuck Mouth Old School Player - Online First Dates

Check out me and my sister-in-law at The Root Ball with our man, President Barack Obama - ahight!!

So on to the online dating: About six months back after being on E-harmony for about a year, I finally hooked up with a guy that had "potential." We talked for a few months and he sounded pretty cool - football coach, side gig as tour guide in DC, jazz musician who toured internationally with high school performing arts band, beautiful singing voice, educated, fit and the leader of about eight ministries in his church. All was going well, except for a few times that I had to tell him to turn down the phone sex talk, especially since we'd never laid eyes on each other.

I happened to be going to DC a few months after we started talking and we decided to meet. Fairytale meeting - Union Station, me looking glam walking toward him sitting and shaking his head at my approach. He was attractive (not drop dead, but not hard to look at) and clearly so was I - he explained an hour into the date that he couldn't look me in the face because I was "so damned beautiful." 10 points!

Unfortunately right after we ate, I spotted a critter roaming the floors of the restaurant and the date went downhill from there. He begged for a kiss right outside the restaurant cause he "couldn't take it anymore." I obliged cause I was curious too. Not too bad, but my stomach didn't flip and I immediately thought about re-applying my lipgloss.

"Lets take a drive," he proposed. "Cool," I answered, having no idea we'd end up at Haines Point, the make out spot I hadn't visited since I was in college. He parks the car and makes a bit of small talk (about Jesus and then the nasty - go figure?). The next thing I know, he's going all octopus on me.

He immediately stops when I seriously refuse his advances with the whole "we're just meeting, lets take it down a thousand" reasoning. But I was already making up my mind that he was not the one. We talked for a while more and I realized I had to use the ladies room.

It was really late, like 2 in the morning and he proposed that he take me to his house where I could use the restroom (Him: "You don't want to use a dirty gas station, do you?). (I KNOW! I KNOW! STRANGER DANGER - but I'm skipping the part about how much I learned about him and how I'd had him investigated through my Negro Geography Network)). Strangely enough I trusted him enough to go to his house, but I made him promise that he'd try no more funny business.

Fast forward to me coming out of the bathroom. When I went in the whole house was lit, when I came out only one light was on in one room - the bedroom. The lights were candles and the boy had done changed clothes into some type of leisure attire.

I made it clear I wanted to go and after a weak attempt at convincing me to stay, he graciously took me back to my car. When I got back to the ATL, I made sure we spoke less and less until we weren't really speaking anymore. But every now and then, I'll get a voice mail or text message from him that will start out all nice and sweet and/or religious, and then turn totally out of control freaky - I mean the kind of talk your momma would get the soap out for. A good mouth washing, you hear me?

Haven't been on E-harmony since, but my girlfriend has and her experience was a bit different. Nice guy, industrial engineer, intelligent, music writer/producer on the side, had performed in a past life with well-known music artists, nice crib, sweet and catering, as described by my friend. They met for breakfast after a week of talking and, oh boy. He said he was 51, but his smoky, filmy eyes, dry appearance, and Member's Only-type wind breaker paired with a buttoned up gray sweater over a shiny black shirt, screamed he was in the Geritol generation - and my girl ain't ready for that.

Besides being "a bag of bones," she said (and she's a thick shapely sister), the deal breaker for her was the jumbled up teeth. Some were missing at the bottom, she said, and all were the color of someone who couldn't have had any dental work in the last 20 years. The first thing she said in her call to me after the date was, "the search continues."

And so it does. She was searching for the phone number of another E-harmony potential as we were about to hang up, and the Geritol guy was calling her. Bummer for her. As for me, I've got a nice little iron in the fire and I think its heating up...

Got some online dating stories you wanna share? I'm down to hear them, cause my one was a TOTAL bust and I hope I don't have to go back there.

Keeping hope alive, jd

PS...okay so not long after I posted this, a Facebook friend of mine recognized Mr. Freaky Deacon. She'd met him on E-Harmony, too, and her experience was not like mine. They just didn't spark. So of course I'm wondering if I brought the freak out of this deacon. Hmmmmm...

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